Some Nights….I’m having a quarter-life crisis 😫 (Song Analysis 🎶✨)

Some nights, I stay up cashin’ in my bad luck 
Some nights, I call it a draw

                                        

Anyone who knows me knows that I always say that although I was going through for pretty much all my life, shit really hit the fan after I turned 23. 

Damn, that was a crazy run-on sentence.

Well, you guys ain’t here to grammar check, you’re here to read. It is currently 3:42 AM, and it seems appropriate to me to write about this topic. 

Because it’s one of those nights. Am I cashing in my bad luck, meaning giving up and ending this “game”? Or am I calling it a draw, reluctantly resigning to my circumstances and settling for what I can get?

On nights like these, “Some Nights” by fun. Plays in my head on a loop. Everyone knows the existential crisis that occurs when you’re up in the middle of the night. Where you’re like “damn, I’m not sure what the fuck I’m doing. What is the fucking point of me?”

Some nights, I wish that my lips could build a castle 
Some nights, I wish they’d just fall off

I know a lot of people heard this part and were so confused about what the fuck he meant. My brother was one of those people until I explained it to his jackass.

Back to figuring out the point of moi, nights like this, I’m either wishing that I had power and that there was power in my tongue that I could contribute to making something great, like a castle. I wish I had said something to get a different outcome. 

However, some nights, I wish I had just shut the fuck up. The battle between saying something and not saying something is hard as fuck because you’re never 100% sure of the outcome. Once you speak, you can’t unring that bell, and if you don’t, well, you can’t take back words you never said, and you’re ultimately left with regrets.

Shout out to Lupe Fiasco and Skylar Grey for that gem. I wish I were that creative, y’all. The funny thing is, I’m pretty sure I could’ve gotten away with taking credit for that line, and y’all wouldn’t have known.

But I am an honest blogger! And EYE would like to keep that reputation!

But I still wake up, I still see your ghost 
Oh, Lord, I’m still not sure what I stand for, oh
Oh-ooh, oh, oh) What do I stand for?
(Oh-ooh, oh, oh) What do I stand for?
Most nights, I don’t know anymore.

Finally, we got to the main section of the song, which I would like to discuss, if you don’t mind!

Actually, I don’t really care if you mind because if you do mind, 

^ ^ That’s a gif. If it’s not moving when I post this, man, I’m not sure what y’all would want me to do in that case, but you get it!

Anyway, everyone talks about midlife crisis, but can we talk about quarter-life crisis? 

That time from when you’re 23 to whatever age shit gets clearer? Where a lot of us haven’t graduated from college and are not sure what the fuck we do now? How are we no longer the person we were 4,5 years ago, but we have no idea who we’re supposed to be? When people ask you about yourself, and suddenly, your brain starts working like a Nintendo 64?

I’ve been there, done that, and I am very much still doing that. Which is why I’m hoping and praying I have some people reading this who are younger than me who are probably feeling like a fucking loser. I want to say to y’all:

It does not get better ❤️

I'm sorry! I was not gonna lie! 

Hey, maybe it does get better for you. That's wonderful for you. If I could go back 5 years and talk to freshly graduated me, I would tell her: it just goes downhill from here, you might as well erase the memory card. Yes, another game reference 😊.

You see the part where he sings “But I still wake up, I still see your ghost,” I think about all the days I wake up, and I haven't been taken to the King in my sleep. People say that means your job on Earth is not done yet.

But I don't know what my fucking job is. I wake up disappointed that I'm not doing or being who I set out to be.

The ghost I see is the Chrissi who died long ago. That haunting ass bitch is the Chrissi who had big hopes and big dreams for herself, but when life kept lifing, she died, and I honestly don't think anything is bringing her back.

Oh, but the bitch haunts me. She haunts me badly because she's not at peace. All she screams at me is:

What do I stand for?

You see? Existential crisis going on here!

Who am I as a person? The day I leave this earth, what would people who knew me say I did? What mark did I leave? What impact did I make? The answer always comes to me:

Nothing. I did nothing. 

Yet, I still go to sleep, not sure what to do about it, and I still wake up, not sure what to do about it.

Now y’all see why I’m insane? You would be insane too!

Maybe that’s why I distance. Maybe that’s why I self-isolate. So people don’t notice what I don’t have to offer. So people don’t notice my flaws or how much of a mess I am, no matter how hard I try.

But I am human. And in the words of Ari Lennox..

And then I realized, oh my god, I need people.

Yeah, it’s crippling as fuck when you can’t let people in, but damn it, you need people. Existential crisis like a mf because when it all boils down to it,

Who the fuck wants to die alone?

I know we are born alone, and we are going to die alone, but honestly, who wants to? Raise your hand! Yeahhhh, alright, we've got enough people for a group suicide! That reminds me, I gotta catch up on my Bungo Stray Dogs. You should watch it if you don’t! Dazai is my husband, so don’t look at him too much! And yes, I referred to him earlier in this post! I’m a master at connecting shit back! Don’t make that face!

I just lied. It was my previous blog post that I mentioned him, but I still connected it back!

I wanna focus on the last lines of this song real quick:

The dream I just had about you and me 
I’d called you up, but we both agreed 
It’s for the best you didn’t listen, 
No, it’s for the best we get our distance

I’d like to think that you is my younger self and the me is, well, me. It makes me realize, yes, we are the same person, but we should keep our distance from each other.

Little me should keep wishing for the world, and older me should accept it’s just not realistic for us. If we continue to interact, we’ll keep cancelling each other out and stay in this fuckass existential crisis. She’s here, but she should stay quiet, and it’s best I don’t talk to her.

If you disagree, kiss both of our asses. 

I’M JUST KIDDING. Please don’t act like you’re new here. You know I play entirely too much! 

But if you are new here, get used to this. It’s not stopping anytime soon 🙂

Anyway, I hope y’all enjoy this piece. See? It's better than the last one! I got a bit more energy for it!

Reminder: I'm not open to criticism, but I'm open to praise 😊😊😊

Anime Therapy: Scenes That Rewired My Brain

                 

Hey guys! I am back and I’m better, I want you bad as everrrrrr, don’t just let me- yeahhhhh now the song is stuck in your head. Deal with it. 😂

Let me get back on track, and please, I don’t wanna hear y’all sing. Let Bryson do it. Sing in your head! 

So, I’m here to discuss a quote from one of my favorite anime series, Full Metal Alchemist Brotherhood. 

                                          

It’s very important I say the whole thing because in this muhfucking household, we do not recognize FullMetal Alchemist. We just don’t. Nothing crazy about it, just don’t watch it. Watch Brotherhood, and I cannot stress this enough.

The scene I’ll be discussing is in the last episode, and don’t worry! We don’t do spoilers over here, unless it’s necessary. Y’all know if I was spoiling shit, I would’ve told you before!

I’m not gonna dwell too much on the context, but the quote that stuck with me is when Edward Elric, the MC, narrates:

“There’s no such thing as a painless lesson—they just don’t exist. Sacrifices are necessary. You can’t gain anything without losing something first. Although if you can endure that pain and walk away from it, you’ll find that you now have a heart strong enough to overcome any obstacle. Yeah… a heart made Fullmetal.” (if you wanna watch/listen for yourself, I put the clip below)

Yeah…..take it in! That shit was deep, huh? I’ll give you a moment to sit with that.

*side eyes* take your fucking moment and stop looking at me! I’m not continuing until you do!

You see, the recurring theme in this anime is “Equivalent Exchange”. Irony is funny cuz I Deadass mentioned Bryson Tiller early in this post, and he got a song called Exchange. It’s on his freshman album, Trapsoul. If you haven't heard it, please get that heavy ass rock off you and go listen!

Back on topic, kinda, Equivalent Exchange is a law that means pretty much exactly what it says. 

“To gain something of value, something of equal value must be lost or sacrificed.”

So like Bryson said in the song, “So give me all of you in exchange for me.”

Wow, I love how I was able to relate that to this topic! Go me! My brain sometimes does things when it wants to, idk!

So you pretty much get it. If you want something large and great, you gotta give up something that's the same size and value. The first law of alchemy which is what they practice.

Many of you can relate this to many things, but I'm gonna speak on how it relates to me.

One thing I carry with me that is large is my anger.

Yes, yes, I told y’all I'm an angry black woman and proud.

I'm angry with a lot of people and experiences. Mainly, I’ve been angry with myself because a lot of times, I feel responsible for the misery I endured. Somehow, someway, I could've prevented it. There's something I could've done to change the outcome.

I know at this point, y’all are thinking “no, you couldn’t,” well, try convincing my fuckass brain that.

Yes, I am hard on myself. I can sit here and tell you that it all started with my parents, WHICH IT DID, but I'm not gonna do that. 

I'm fully aware that this anger I carry is heavy, but deep down, the anger is a suit of armor for me. I'm not using that as an excuse, but a reason. My anger protects me. It has protected me for so long; however, it also wounds me.

What a fucking oxymoron.

I'm not ashamed to admit that the rage I feel inside has fucked me hard, in the ass, with no lube or spit, no words of praise in my ear, no safe word, and aww shit, what the fuck was I talking about again?

Ahh, yes, my anger. Yeah, it’s bad.

However, I do want to let it go so I can walk through life more and receive so many of the great things I desire in my life. Another example of irony is that it makes me even angrier that it’s difficult for me to let my shield go. Walking into the battlefield of life with no armor, no shield, is so scary and foolish to me. I’m realizing that it’s so fucked, but the armor and shield blocked out the bad, but it could block out good.

I have to let go of something so huge in order for me to get that back.

My anger for more opportunities for joy. Sounds like an easy equivalent exchange, but for me, it’s not that simple.

You see, this is so important because ultimately, like they say in the anime, nothing can be created from nothing.

Aight, if you’re reading this far, I have a confession: I’m coming back to this after leaving it for a few weeks because honestly, I was gonna scrap this. That happens a lot. The reason is that I felt like I wasn’t making sense anymore, but fuck it. If I’m not making sense, let me know. I need to update this motherfucking blog, and I currently have no energy to start a new draft or continue the other ones I do have.

Back to what I was saying, another huge thing I’m carrying is my fear and my comfort.

You know how people say that to grow, you gotta be uncomfortable. As much as I hate it, it’s true. Staying in the same area does absolutely nothing for you. Damn, I’m not gonna lie, I’m continuing to write this at damn near 5 AM. I’ve been up since 2:30ish for no fucking reason, and I don’t feel like getting deeper into this. I am so sorry lmaoooo.

The gist of it is that I gotta give that up to gain inner peace or some shit. Whatever.

I’m still not trying to spoil anything, but basically, Edward realized he’s just a human and that’s all he should be. I gotta realize that for myself that I’m just a human. I can’t do everything, and I can’t control anything but myself. My bad, I know this seems rushed and lazy writing, but I am rushing, and I am feeling lazy. At least I'm honest about it 🤷🏾‍♀️ remember that when I decide to Dazai. I am not referring to the anime character…well, not right now. Idk, I’m not caught up. 

The moral of this post is watch FullMetal Alchemist: Brotherhood!

I’m not gonna promise that the next post will be better because I don’t like to lie, and y’all not gonna whoop me, so keep those expectations low 🤠

Anyway, are y’all enjoying the new theme? Let me know! Now, I’m gonna try to go to sleep.

Good night, or good morning, or good- idk leave me alone!

Hey….how y’all doing?

It’s been a while, I know. I can hear y’all talking shit already, but let me explain!

….I actually don’t have to explain myself to y’all. Y’all not gonna whoop me. Ion give a fuck.

Imma stop half playing and give y’all (to whoever cares cuz if we’re gonna be honest, I got a very small audience and I’m positive at least half of y’all don’t give a fuck lmao.) 

BTW, I ain't proofread this hoe, so if there's mistakes, don't do too much.

I ain’t say that for sympathy. That’s just the truth and I’m cooling with that. I don’t gotta live up to anyone’s expectations, especially when I don’t feel like it.

My bad, it seems I got off track which is once again, Y’ALLS FAULT 🫵🏾. You had one job! Don’t think I missed the fact that you didn’t take your shoes coming in here! I ain’t mop yet, so you’re safe…for now.

Back on topic, the explanation is I got busy, I got laid off, I got positive, I got negative, I got happy, I got mad, and eventually landed on sad. 

I really did not want to make my comeback post depressing, especially since I think the last one was a bit depressing. I don’t even remember what it was about, tbh. I’m just taking a wild guess and y’all can look back and see for yourselves. Don’t worry, I’ll wait.

.

.

.

Y’all def didn’t look, but it’s ok cuz I’m right. In this domain, I’m always right,  and as long as everyone remembers that, we’ll be fine 😌

Anyways , that’s the main reason I haven’t updated as much as I wanted. I had a big ass writer’s block when it came to speaking on anything.

Not sure it’s noticeable, but no homo, I put my heart in my writing. If my heart is not in the mood, the words won’t.

I pushed myself to be in a position mood and be optimistic as fuck. I was faced with the truth whenever I was faced with a taunting blank notepad.

That’s why ain’t shit funny in this comeback post. I haven’t made any jokes or anything because genuinely, no homo, my heart’s not in it and I already gotta fake it in my real life. I was not about to do in my blog. MY DOMAIN. MY SHIT.

I think of this blog as my bedroom where I’m sitting on the bed with no pants on, nipples rock hard on display cuz I refuse to wear a bra at home, no makeup on, and my Pusha T braids are stuffed in a bonnet. And I’m just yapping my thoughts to those who wanna hear me.

I don’t have to perform and I can just voice the random thoughts swirling the fucked up place I call my brain. 

Don’t get me wrong, I am ECSTATIC I’m no longer working at that bitchass company anymore. That is not depressing me at all. Matter of fact, I was giddy like a mf and sat up here and applied for unemployment.

What’s getting me, is what now? I hate that I feel like I have to be doing something to validate my existence, but I do. I’m fucking 27 now and that depresses me cuz what did I accomplish, really? I’m close to 30…… *screams* I’m really fucking close to 30. It’s all good cuz I set my self-expiration date to a certain date in 2026. 

That’s all I really have for you- oh you expected to me say “just kidding” or “I’m joking!”

Didn’t I tell y’all ain’t shit funny in this blog post? I told y’all I have no jokes 🤷🏾‍♀️

Back to what I was saying, that’s all I really have for you guys. I’m hoping, for your sake, the next post is something positive cuz I really don’t want a depressing ass blog. Maybe I’ll do a song analysis, another anime scene, who knows? Not I 🙋🏾‍♀️

Aight y’all, now get out of my room. I'm finna take a nap now. Byeeeee!

Good Grief or Whatever…😕

 Disclaimer: I’M STILL VERY MUCH A THUG. DON’T GET IT TWISTED! But this is about to be a post about death, loss, and grief. So if you cannot take it, please do not read! Also, I did not proofread/edit this cuz imma be honest, I didn’t feel like it lmao 😂 

Aight don’t expect jokes cuz ain’t shit funny, niggas! I’m lying. I will joke about anything, which includes my pain and trauma. As I am writing this, it is currently February 20th. Now, I’m not gonna hold y’all, the past week has been very rough. I’m veryyyyy close to being on 72 hour hold. Thank God I didn’t say the magic words.

I was convinced this is one of my regular depressive episodes and I gotta ride it out. I already got my period this month (Thank God!) so what else could be fucking with me like this?

It’s February 20th. February 25th will mark 8 years since my cousin unexpectedly left this earth and sparked feelings inside I never felt and never thought I could feel.

Chrissi has feelings?!?! Bruh, I’m just as shocked as you are.

Every year, around this time, I feel some kind of sadness and I never know what it is until I look at the date and a light bulb goes off. Then the light bulb cracks, completely shatter, and now there’s utter and complete darkness.

At this point in my life, I realized that the pain of loss is really like a weird scar. 

When you first get it, it hurts like a bitch and you’re doing whatever to heal that shit, but ultimately it’ll heal on its own. However, no matter how many years pass, it’s still there. It doesn’t go anywhere. Just there, rent free, like some of y’all’s broke ass boyfriends. 

I’m sorry that stray was probably uncalled for but I know some of y’all need to hear it. Let that bum ass nigga go STAT.

But yeah, you’ll be minding your business, going about life, then out of nowhere, you notice that scar and some of that pain you felt when you first got it comes back. The grief never goes away. You just grow around it.

I was in my freshman year of college when my dad told me that his nephew, my cousin, is dead. Best believe a nigga went through some phases of grief. I was in denial. Not only was I in denial about his death, I was in denial about my depth of my love.

You see, he was significantly older than me. That’s what happens when your grandma decides to have your dad when she was damn near menopause and your dad, the youngest, has you in his mid to late 30’s. Just old people doing shit. 

So we didn’t have a super close relationship, but he was still dear to me. He used to “kidnap” me when I was a toddler. I was supposed to be getting babysat by my grandma, but no, he took me to whenever. According to my mom, I had a good ass time with him. I was his little bestie.

His name ended up being my first word. Yep, we were locked in, according to my mom.

I still remember his crazy driving that I don’t remember experiencing, but everyone else did! I remember whenever he saw me, he would smile big and say “CHRISSI!!!”

He was the first one to call me Chrissi, and I hated it at first, but it grew on me and decided to keep going with it and let it stick. 

Due to our age gap, we were obviously in very different stages of life. I was in middle school and he was married, raising children. Very different. He lived in another state as well, so it was very much a “imma see you when I see you” relationship.

So imagine my surprise when I find myself crying every single day for over a week. I would be crying all the time. I couldn’t even stay in my college classes because the grief was too much. I had some understanding professors, but my grades did end up taking a hit. Grieving and still trying to get through the second semester of college was actual hell. 

I never know how much I loved him until he was gone forever. 

I was and still kind of am a person who doesn’t really show their emotions. Another lovely trait I got from my father. So when he died, a dam broke and I felt emotions I never thought I could. 

Someone once said “grief is love with no place to go” and I couldn’t agree more.

We weren’t even close like that and he fucked my city up with that one.

The reality is when someone you love dies, it leaves a hole in your heart that no one can fill, but honestly, you don’t even want them to. 

The pain from that death was part of many reasons why I got scared to get close to people and push them away. It’s all because if I felt that way with him, imagine someone I saw everyday, talked to everyday. I would be hanging off the ledge.

“Not letting ourselves be loved… because we’re too afraid of giving ourselves to someone we might lose.”

Grief fucking sucks. Death fucking sucks. I know it’s a part of the circle of life, but fuck that shit. That part of life is so trash. It sucks to love the fuck out of someone and one day, they’re taken from you and you can never see them again. Sitting in front of a bitchass box where their body is. Pleading hard that it was all a sick joke and they would arise.  Watching that bitchass box go into the dirt and more dirt go on top of it. It really sinks in that they are gone forever and never coming back. All you wish is for one last conversation, one last look, one last hug. Just the chance to say goodbye and knowing for sure they hear it.

It’s like Mariah Carey once sang: “And it's true that you've reached the better place

Still, I'd give the world to see your face.”

Word of advice to anyone grieving, feel that shit. I tried not to and honestly, it was so much worse for me. You got to feel every fucking emotion in order to properly move on. There’s no timeline for grief, so don’t let anyone tell you to get over it or make it seem like you’re weird for grieving as long as you are.

Your love has no place to go. Of course it’s gonna fucking hurt for a while.

I think I’ve said enough and honestly, I shed a tear or two writing these last parts. See? It never fully goes away.

I am successfully posting this on February 25th for him. I hope he’s proud of me and sees how hard I’m trying.

But I still wish he was here.