Real Muhfucking...Sad Girl Shit...Ah 😔👅

 Warnings: Sad Chrissi (we hate her too!) We are talking about depression, suicide, and self-image issues, so if you are going to be triggered by these topics, please exit. Not trying to be rude just trying to be considerate.

Shout out to Megan Thee Stallion for giving me a proper title for this blog post—you read it right.

A tough nigga like me is sad. Actually, very sad. I’m honestly surprised I still haven’t hit that self-delete button. Maybe it’s because I haven’t found a method that’s quick, painless, and has a 100% success rate.

Until then….I’m stuck with y’all on this fuck ass earth.

Sometimes, I do think about how I don’t want to actually kill myself. You know, because Logic’s quadroon ass (yes, he’s a quadroon! I’m not doing this one drop bullshit with y’all. Same goes for Halsey. Don’t argue with me. You and I both know she was wrong as hell for these braids.)

What was I saying again? Oh yeah, yeah the King of Quadroons made it kinda corny to off myself now. Does the song have a good message? Yes. Did I relate to some of the lyrics? Yes. Should he have put it out? NAUR.

Anyway, I get in my moods where I’m not necessarily suicidal. I just want to erase my existence.

If you’re thinking “But bitch, that’s being suicidal”, yeah, it kinda is! But let me explain myself, fuck you. 

If I had to option to just disappear, I would. If I had the option to erase my existence from people’s memories, I would. If I can have everyone I know and love forget me, I would love that.

I don’t want to be remembered. I gave y’all nothing worth remembering. I’m not the light in anyone’s life. Shit, God forbid, lemme fuck around and get murdered. No one can honestly hop on True Crime and be like “Oh she would just light up a room.”

Don’t lie to these people! I either brought darkness or you didn’t notice I was there. Be honest!

I want to disappear, not off myself because people would hear about me and feel pity. It’s the “oh she was so sad she didn’t want to be here. So sad. Her poor family.”

I’m pretty sure they got a nice life insurance check on me and yeah, I didn’t wanna be here, but guess what? I’m no longer paying bills, but you are!

It would disturb my negro angel soul in heaven, knowing that- nuh uh, DON’T look at me like that! I’m going to heaven, me and God have an understanding.

Yeah, it would disturb it, knowing people were pitying me. There will be a racket at my gravesite because my bones would shake in anger. 

Then you have people who will mention my beloved friends. If you are my friend reading this, yes, you are beloved. Suck my dick! Don’t text me about this!

People will mention my friends, and to be honest, FUCK THEM! Clearly, I’m joking. I literally just said they’re beloved. I don’t use beloved lightly. 

Lemme stop getting distracted. You see, y’all do this to me. 

Anyway, with my friends, honestly they would be fine. They’ll move on and meet new people and eventually, my absence will be a forgotten memory. I’m not a big chunk of their lives. I’m not gonna fuck the city up with this one. Everyone will remain unfucked in the city.

Then people wanna bring up my future. Why would I care? I won’t be there!

Still, with everything I said, there are still people that will still argue with me and say my life matters to people.

So, the proper solution would be to just disappear. If I’m erased from the timeline, erased from everyone’s memories, no one got their feelings hurt and I don’t have to live life. Everyone wins.

Maybe I could wipe my existence off the internet and just completely fall off the grid. Move somewhere, not tell anyone and ghost everyone. Eventually, they would forget and move on with their lives. Sometimes, I feel like there will be some improvement if I am gone.

Now, y’all don’t start pitying me, and don’t get them people on me! This is supposed to be a safe space! Shit, this is deadass a draft so by the time I post this, I probably won’t even be feeling like that in the moment and you’re gonna feel like a jackass. 

I think I covered everything. Please don’t act so taken aback reading this. I told y’all I was depressed. 🤷

Aight, see y’all next blog post…or not. This could be my last.

PUT THE FUCKING PHONE DOWN. I’M KIDDING…kinda…OK, I’M KIDDING FR. I’M DEADASS PUT THE DAMN PHONE DOWN. I don’t even like grippy socks like that. 

Angry Black Women Chronicles: Intro

 Hey y’all! I wanted to let you know another one of my series for my blog is gonna be “Angry Black Women Chronicles.” Yes, I’m Black. Yes, I’m a Woman. And YES, I’m mad as hell!

I have every RIGHT to be mad as hell! I’ll throw a frozen water bottle at the back of a nigga’s head right now!

According to Harvard Business Review, “Angry Black Women” is “This pervasive stereotype characterizes Black women as more hostile, aggressive, overbearing, illogical, ill-tempered and bitter.” 

Why was my dumbass about to do an in text citation? I am not in college anymore, I refuse!

This stereotype does harm us, it really does. But on the other hand, yes, I’m aggressive. Yes, I’m ill-tempered. Because y’all keep playing in my fucking face so I have every right to be! 

So this series is made for my black ladies (biracials are included, but know your place) who have been played with, mistreated, abused, and everything under the sun to express the bullshit we face on a daily basis. How intersectionality has been whooping us on the regular.

I wanted to make this series so I can talk about the shit that pisses me off, which has been a lot of things recently. Yes, I’m an Aries sun, before you even ask. I wanna invite- fine! I’m a Scorpio Moon with a Taurus Rising! You got my big 3 now! Can I get back to the topic now?! 

I wanna invite you beautiful ladies- yes, you 🫵🏾 you are beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise or I’ll beat your ass. Ok, I can’t see you. Doesn’t matter because I’m all seeing and shit so I know you are! I want to invite y’all to talk about in the comments what currently got you mad as hell? If you are not a black/biracial woman, you are welcome to follow along and engage, but remember:

This is a safe space for you to express your thoughts and anger without the fear of being stereotyped. Hell, let’s lean into that shit. We can’t wait on these motherfuckers to validate our anger. Your anger is VALID! Our emotions, our anguish, our tears, they’re all VALID!

So yes, I’m an angry black woman and I have every motherfucking right to be.

This stereotype was created to invalidate our reactions and feelings towards our own injustices. Instead of rejecting it, I’m going to own it. Y’all don’t deserve happy, nice, shitting rainbows out of her ass Chrissi. Y’all killed her.

I would love for these posts to allow us to build a community where we are seen, heard, and understood. Not being mansplained to and not being told to watch our tone. If the comment section is just rants, venting sessions, and people responding back positively, even with some advice! Even if I don’t have words I can tell you, hopefully someone does! I’m not the Messiah! I’m not perfect at all, which is pretty damn obvious. I still have my various issues to work on. If I can’t help you, the least I can do is listen and offer a platform for your voice to be heard.

I’m also thinking maybe doing Q and A’s or starting a little Twitter community or a community somewhere. I don’t fucking know. I would love some suggestions. Shit, maybe a Discord but I be barely working discord, I’m not even gonna lie to you but I will try if people are here for it!

Go ahead and fire off your thoughts in the comment section below or if you wanna DM me, I will post my linktree below:

https://linktr.ee/Chrxssi

I was really about to sit here and type out all my socials like a jackass, but I remembered I made a linktree for a reason! If you follow me, I’ll follow back. I ain’t no celebrity. Maybe I’ll try to go live and do an Q and A’s and/or advice sessions on there. I’m still figuring things out!

Aight, I’m done yapping….for now. Hey, y’all should know at this point that I never shut up. I’ll be in my casket, still talking my shit.

I’m hoping this really works and I love y’all, always, for reading and supporting this lil blog of mine. ❤️

Posting From My Fuckass Corporate Job

 In the mood I’m in, I’ll feel better if I beat a nigga with a spoon.

Sorry y’all, that was an aggressive way to start this post, but I am feeling aggressive right now.

Why?

Probably because of Ice Spice. *Trap Celeb voice* I blame Ice Spice. The next one I would blame is JLo. You might be asking “wtf did JLo do?”

What didn’t she do Is the real question. Shout out to Daijne Jones on TikTok. I’ve incorporated JLo strays into my everyday life and my mental has improved.

That’s somewhat of a lie. I still want to unbirth myself, but they do somewhat keep me alive🙂‍↕️

I think it’s kinda obvious at this point that I kinda treat this blog like a journal. Why don’t I write in a-

Why did it take me this long to realize you didn’t take off your shoes? So we didn’t learn from last time, huh?

😐Come here I won't hit you

≤))✓🩴

_| \_

COME HERE! NEOWWWW

Ok now that that is dealt with, I can- don’t look at me like that. I want you to know that hurt me more than hurt you. 

Anyway, keeping a written journal makes my hand hurt. That’s it. That’s the only reason why. You write for 20 minutes and see how that goes. I bet you that your hand is fucking sizzling.

Also, if I had a journal, it would take FOREVER for them to find my manifesto. So I’ll make it easy and have it on the internet 😌

I have my therapy session in 8 minutes as I’m typing. Imma give y’all a little piece of what I plan on discussing with her.

Love.

Cliché, I know, but tbh I feel like I am broken. Broken beyond repair. I can’t see why people will love me. When they do, I don’t believe it. When they stop, I’m like “Yep there it is. I’m very unlovable.”

I feel like I’m hard to love, but easy to unlove. Any conflict or sign of trouble, deep in my heart, no homo, I am pretty convinced it’s the end. I’m pretty convinced whoever got to the point where they don’t love me anymore. I should’ve known that would happen, but I’m over here stupid crying like Yvette.

Aight lemme go and join my session and I’ll maybe tell y’all how it went. 

Aight, I’m back. I feel a little bit better. Might step in front of a train, idk 🥰 I’m in a silly, goofy mood.

One thing my therapist said is that I need to work on self-reassurance. Basically, I shouldn’t need anyone to tell me I’m the shit. I should know it. I should know people love me and want to be around me without needing reassurance from them.

….wtf does she even know? She’s just certified. That ain't nun too crazy.

So I am currently working on self-assurance bullshit and whatnot. Got a damn working coloring book and shit. The last time I had a coloring book, I ripped that up because I was so angry. Shit, I’m still angry….😏 I'm putting that emoji because that last line is giving foreshadowing for the next post.

On a more serious note, I am actively working on battling my negative thoughts because y’all. My brain is mean as fuck. I'm getting better at battling these thoughts, but they still creep up like a thief in the night. One method I have been trying is deep breathes and responding with positive, more plausible thoughts. It’s dead-ass a battle, guys. Anxiety is no joke.

Fun fact: I got diagnosed with that shit by a psychiatrist 🥰 and I know at this point, y’all are probably wondering, “damn what doesn't this bitch have???”

Serotonin, obviously.

But yeah, lately, that is just a FRACTION of what I've been dealing with these past weeks. That's why it’s a serious joke whenever I say I will unpublish myself. Like I'm serious, but I'm joking. It’s pretty simple.

Aight that’s all I wanted to say because I got about 15 minutes left of this lunch break and I plan on using the rest for ✨escapism✨

I was gonna say have a good day, but there’s a chance there’s terrible people reading this, especially, the ones actively praying on my downfall.

Well, I’m still alive, hoe! Stop bothering God and Come take me out yourself, pussy! 

God, I very much apologize for putting your name in that. You know my heart, Lord. Don’t smite me please. 

On that note, to the good people, thank you for reading and have a great day! 😊

Anime Therapy: Scenes That Rewired My Brain

Warnings: I'm not putting in anime spoilers but idk if y'all consider slight context a spoiler we not gonna be to focused on the scene, niggas! Mentions of trauma/PTSD, mentions of suicide, my normal thug demeanor is gonna come down so you’ll be reading Soft Chrissi and we hate her.

Hey y’all! Welcome back! I see you have your shoes off so you learned from last time 🙂 Anyway for this blog, there will be a series of themes of certain posts.

This one is Anime Therapy and I’m not typing the rest because y’all saw it the first time ✋🏾 I was originally gonna name it “Anime Lobotomy”,  but given the history, I decided against it lol.

Which anime am I gonna be talking about right now? 

Fire Force 🔥🔥🔥

If you haven’t watched, …why? Come outside, we won’t jump you! 🙂

The scene that rewired my brain was from season 1. So yes, very early this anime mentally rocked my shit. I’ll attach the scene below and yes, it’s in dub. If you’re a sub-elitist, please go to hell ❤️

In this scene, the protagonist, Shinra, is having some trouble with the fire he’s faced with. The captain, Obi, gives a pep talk because he sees that Shinra is terrified. Now, fire is scary, but it’s not so much the fire that’s messing with him.

It’s the ✨trauma✨

Facing a traumatic event causes one when triggered, to have one of the following responses:

Fight

Flight

Freeze

Fawn 

Fight is pretty self-explanatory, Flight is escaping the situation, freeze is kinda self-explanatory as well, but, you’re paralyzed with fear and shut down, and Fawn is kissing whoever’s ass to avoid conflict, whether it’s people pleasing or codependency.

At this point, many of you have realized you got trauma responses…….welcome to the damn club. We meet on Thursday nights. 

How does this relate to a little scene from Fire Force, you may ask?…. you can kinda see why. Why tf are you asking me? I’m just kidding…kinda.

Lol anywayssss, without spoiling, Shinra has experienced a traumatic event that involved fire and Freeze was his trauma response when he came in contact with it. And those words from his superior:

“The fear you feel is a survival tool. It helps keep you alive. Just don’t let it make you a coward.”

Those words made Shinra lock in and shit, kinda me too.

I’ll spare y’all the joy of knowing all of my traumas, but I got a shitload of them. I made a couple of my therapists cry and I’m not bragging, just stating a sad fact.

That president, Franklin D. Roosevelt, said, “We have nothing to fear but fear itself.” Now, I will Google that right now because I know I’m right, but I don’t want to look stupid.

I’m back. Yeah, it’s him for sure. The one with the polio. Yeah, to be honest, he was just saying that shit, trying to get reelected. He didn’t even know what the fuck he was talking about, but I have an interpretation of that bullshit ass quote.

To be honest, we all have fear. That’s part of our humanity. We should fear fear because fear often stops us from being alive. When you’re scared of certain things, it stops you from living your life to the fullest and that should scare you.

I am a person with fears. I have a lot of fears. My attachment style is fearful-avoidant. If you guys google it right now, my face pops up, I swear. 

I just lied for no reason. You will not see my face.

We all have attachment styles and I strongly suggest finding out which one you have so you can know exactly what kind of pussy you are. I AM JOKING! I’m clearly joking because I would have to call myself a pussy, which I wouldn’t mind too much. After all, you are what- never mind.

Along with my attachment style, I have an actual diagnosis of PTSD. I’m dead-ass. A psychiatrist diagnosed me. With this PTSD and attachment style, I’m just a big beam of fucking light, huh?

I have issues. I have trust issues, I have abandonment issues, I got issues, yeah bitch, I got issues, W, Vogue, Cosmo, I GOT ISSUES!

My bad. Let me be serious again. My undiagnosed ADHD is just jumping out.

All of this causes me to fear closeness, vulnerability, and many things that come with being in relationships, platonic and romantic. I’ve been hurt many times in many ways, and I would like to avoid that at all costs. I grew a hard shell because it was armor to me. Why give motherfuckers the chance to hurt me? I have given chances and got let down. 

Nobody was protecting my heart, my body, and my soul. I only had myself.

It got to the point where I was mad at myself for my trauma. I was mad as fuck that I couldn’t be normal and go about my damn life without all these fears and anxieties. The shell grew harder and harder with every heartbreak and every attack. So you could imagine how hard it is to break that damn shell. Only the strongest survive my bullshit. Shoutout to y’all ❤️

Anyways, why do y’all let me lowkey get distracted? Back on topic, I felt like I was weak and cowardly for letting these issues hold me back in life, but I couldn’t help it. I just can’t. Ultimately, I’m left with severe depression, which once again, I'm diagnosed with the shit by a psychiatrist! Yeah, I wouldn’t be writing this right now if I was so positive back then that my reverse birth techniques would work. Because honestly, that’ll be so embarrassing if I failed and I just can’t deal with that shit because I will try again. Why y’all let me get off topic again???

Seeing this anime scene was so important to me because Captain Obi didn’t berate Shinra for being afraid. He didn’t tell him to “just get over it” as people have told me. He saw him. He validated him. He told him his fear was valid, his fear was for his survival. Then he hit him with something real.

Fear is protection, it’s armor, but you have to put that armor down to get shit done. You gotta live your motherfucking life, and how can one do that under that shield? Yes, you’re blocking out the bad, but you’re also blocking out the good. It is cowardly to be afraid to experience the life you were given. You are human. This human shit is scary, but we have to do it so we might as hell enjoy this shit.

After all this, I’m not gonna lie, I’m probably still gonna be the cold bitch I am. This healing shit takes time! But y’all…don’t be like me and live your motherfucking life because mine will come to an end if I got something to say about it!

Let me stop with the suicide jokes before y’all get the people on me. I mean they’re semi-jokes... I guess. Y’all, don’t call them people on me!

So aight, this blog post is done because I’m finished talking. I hope y’all enjoyed this and got something out of this. Hopefully a positive something, but if it’s negative, that’s okay. 😊