Some Nights….I’m having a quarter-life crisis 😫 (Song Analysis 🎶✨)

Some nights, I stay up cashin’ in my bad luck 
Some nights, I call it a draw

                                        

Anyone who knows me knows that I always say that although I was going through for pretty much all my life, shit really hit the fan after I turned 23. 

Damn, that was a crazy run-on sentence.

Well, you guys ain’t here to grammar check, you’re here to read. It is currently 3:42 AM, and it seems appropriate to me to write about this topic. 

Because it’s one of those nights. Am I cashing in my bad luck, meaning giving up and ending this “game”? Or am I calling it a draw, reluctantly resigning to my circumstances and settling for what I can get?

On nights like these, “Some Nights” by fun. Plays in my head on a loop. Everyone knows the existential crisis that occurs when you’re up in the middle of the night. Where you’re like “damn, I’m not sure what the fuck I’m doing. What is the fucking point of me?”

Some nights, I wish that my lips could build a castle 
Some nights, I wish they’d just fall off

I know a lot of people heard this part and were so confused about what the fuck he meant. My brother was one of those people until I explained it to his jackass.

Back to figuring out the point of moi, nights like this, I’m either wishing that I had power and that there was power in my tongue that I could contribute to making something great, like a castle. I wish I had said something to get a different outcome. 

However, some nights, I wish I had just shut the fuck up. The battle between saying something and not saying something is hard as fuck because you’re never 100% sure of the outcome. Once you speak, you can’t unring that bell, and if you don’t, well, you can’t take back words you never said, and you’re ultimately left with regrets.

Shout out to Lupe Fiasco and Skylar Grey for that gem. I wish I were that creative, y’all. The funny thing is, I’m pretty sure I could’ve gotten away with taking credit for that line, and y’all wouldn’t have known.

But I am an honest blogger! And EYE would like to keep that reputation!

But I still wake up, I still see your ghost 
Oh, Lord, I’m still not sure what I stand for, oh
Oh-ooh, oh, oh) What do I stand for?
(Oh-ooh, oh, oh) What do I stand for?
Most nights, I don’t know anymore.

Finally, we got to the main section of the song, which I would like to discuss, if you don’t mind!

Actually, I don’t really care if you mind because if you do mind, 

^ ^ That’s a gif. If it’s not moving when I post this, man, I’m not sure what y’all would want me to do in that case, but you get it!

Anyway, everyone talks about midlife crisis, but can we talk about quarter-life crisis? 

That time from when you’re 23 to whatever age shit gets clearer? Where a lot of us haven’t graduated from college and are not sure what the fuck we do now? How are we no longer the person we were 4,5 years ago, but we have no idea who we’re supposed to be? When people ask you about yourself, and suddenly, your brain starts working like a Nintendo 64?

I’ve been there, done that, and I am very much still doing that. Which is why I’m hoping and praying I have some people reading this who are younger than me who are probably feeling like a fucking loser. I want to say to y’all:

It does not get better ❤️

I'm sorry! I was not gonna lie! 

Hey, maybe it does get better for you. That's wonderful for you. If I could go back 5 years and talk to freshly graduated me, I would tell her: it just goes downhill from here, you might as well erase the memory card. Yes, another game reference 😊.

You see the part where he sings “But I still wake up, I still see your ghost,” I think about all the days I wake up, and I haven't been taken to the King in my sleep. People say that means your job on Earth is not done yet.

But I don't know what my fucking job is. I wake up disappointed that I'm not doing or being who I set out to be.

The ghost I see is the Chrissi who died long ago. That haunting ass bitch is the Chrissi who had big hopes and big dreams for herself, but when life kept lifing, she died, and I honestly don't think anything is bringing her back.

Oh, but the bitch haunts me. She haunts me badly because she's not at peace. All she screams at me is:

What do I stand for?

You see? Existential crisis going on here!

Who am I as a person? The day I leave this earth, what would people who knew me say I did? What mark did I leave? What impact did I make? The answer always comes to me:

Nothing. I did nothing. 

Yet, I still go to sleep, not sure what to do about it, and I still wake up, not sure what to do about it.

Now y’all see why I’m insane? You would be insane too!

Maybe that’s why I distance. Maybe that’s why I self-isolate. So people don’t notice what I don’t have to offer. So people don’t notice my flaws or how much of a mess I am, no matter how hard I try.

But I am human. And in the words of Ari Lennox..

And then I realized, oh my god, I need people.

Yeah, it’s crippling as fuck when you can’t let people in, but damn it, you need people. Existential crisis like a mf because when it all boils down to it,

Who the fuck wants to die alone?

I know we are born alone, and we are going to die alone, but honestly, who wants to? Raise your hand! Yeahhhh, alright, we've got enough people for a group suicide! That reminds me, I gotta catch up on my Bungo Stray Dogs. You should watch it if you don’t! Dazai is my husband, so don’t look at him too much! And yes, I referred to him earlier in this post! I’m a master at connecting shit back! Don’t make that face!

I just lied. It was my previous blog post that I mentioned him, but I still connected it back!

I wanna focus on the last lines of this song real quick:

The dream I just had about you and me 
I’d called you up, but we both agreed 
It’s for the best you didn’t listen, 
No, it’s for the best we get our distance

I’d like to think that you is my younger self and the me is, well, me. It makes me realize, yes, we are the same person, but we should keep our distance from each other.

Little me should keep wishing for the world, and older me should accept it’s just not realistic for us. If we continue to interact, we’ll keep cancelling each other out and stay in this fuckass existential crisis. She’s here, but she should stay quiet, and it’s best I don’t talk to her.

If you disagree, kiss both of our asses. 

I’M JUST KIDDING. Please don’t act like you’re new here. You know I play entirely too much! 

But if you are new here, get used to this. It’s not stopping anytime soon 🙂

Anyway, I hope y’all enjoy this piece. See? It's better than the last one! I got a bit more energy for it!

Reminder: I'm not open to criticism, but I'm open to praise 😊😊😊

Anime Therapy: Scenes That Rewired My Brain

                 

Hey guys! I am back and I’m better, I want you bad as everrrrrr, don’t just let me- yeahhhhh now the song is stuck in your head. Deal with it. 😂

Let me get back on track, and please, I don’t wanna hear y’all sing. Let Bryson do it. Sing in your head! 

So, I’m here to discuss a quote from one of my favorite anime series, Full Metal Alchemist Brotherhood. 

                                          

It’s very important I say the whole thing because in this muhfucking household, we do not recognize FullMetal Alchemist. We just don’t. Nothing crazy about it, just don’t watch it. Watch Brotherhood, and I cannot stress this enough.

The scene I’ll be discussing is in the last episode, and don’t worry! We don’t do spoilers over here, unless it’s necessary. Y’all know if I was spoiling shit, I would’ve told you before!

I’m not gonna dwell too much on the context, but the quote that stuck with me is when Edward Elric, the MC, narrates:

“There’s no such thing as a painless lesson—they just don’t exist. Sacrifices are necessary. You can’t gain anything without losing something first. Although if you can endure that pain and walk away from it, you’ll find that you now have a heart strong enough to overcome any obstacle. Yeah… a heart made Fullmetal.” (if you wanna watch/listen for yourself, I put the clip below)

Yeah…..take it in! That shit was deep, huh? I’ll give you a moment to sit with that.

*side eyes* take your fucking moment and stop looking at me! I’m not continuing until you do!

You see, the recurring theme in this anime is “Equivalent Exchange”. Irony is funny cuz I Deadass mentioned Bryson Tiller early in this post, and he got a song called Exchange. It’s on his freshman album, Trapsoul. If you haven't heard it, please get that heavy ass rock off you and go listen!

Back on topic, kinda, Equivalent Exchange is a law that means pretty much exactly what it says. 

“To gain something of value, something of equal value must be lost or sacrificed.”

So like Bryson said in the song, “So give me all of you in exchange for me.”

Wow, I love how I was able to relate that to this topic! Go me! My brain sometimes does things when it wants to, idk!

So you pretty much get it. If you want something large and great, you gotta give up something that's the same size and value. The first law of alchemy which is what they practice.

Many of you can relate this to many things, but I'm gonna speak on how it relates to me.

One thing I carry with me that is large is my anger.

Yes, yes, I told y’all I'm an angry black woman and proud.

I'm angry with a lot of people and experiences. Mainly, I’ve been angry with myself because a lot of times, I feel responsible for the misery I endured. Somehow, someway, I could've prevented it. There's something I could've done to change the outcome.

I know at this point, y’all are thinking “no, you couldn’t,” well, try convincing my fuckass brain that.

Yes, I am hard on myself. I can sit here and tell you that it all started with my parents, WHICH IT DID, but I'm not gonna do that. 

I'm fully aware that this anger I carry is heavy, but deep down, the anger is a suit of armor for me. I'm not using that as an excuse, but a reason. My anger protects me. It has protected me for so long; however, it also wounds me.

What a fucking oxymoron.

I'm not ashamed to admit that the rage I feel inside has fucked me hard, in the ass, with no lube or spit, no words of praise in my ear, no safe word, and aww shit, what the fuck was I talking about again?

Ahh, yes, my anger. Yeah, it’s bad.

However, I do want to let it go so I can walk through life more and receive so many of the great things I desire in my life. Another example of irony is that it makes me even angrier that it’s difficult for me to let my shield go. Walking into the battlefield of life with no armor, no shield, is so scary and foolish to me. I’m realizing that it’s so fucked, but the armor and shield blocked out the bad, but it could block out good.

I have to let go of something so huge in order for me to get that back.

My anger for more opportunities for joy. Sounds like an easy equivalent exchange, but for me, it’s not that simple.

You see, this is so important because ultimately, like they say in the anime, nothing can be created from nothing.

Aight, if you’re reading this far, I have a confession: I’m coming back to this after leaving it for a few weeks because honestly, I was gonna scrap this. That happens a lot. The reason is that I felt like I wasn’t making sense anymore, but fuck it. If I’m not making sense, let me know. I need to update this motherfucking blog, and I currently have no energy to start a new draft or continue the other ones I do have.

Back to what I was saying, another huge thing I’m carrying is my fear and my comfort.

You know how people say that to grow, you gotta be uncomfortable. As much as I hate it, it’s true. Staying in the same area does absolutely nothing for you. Damn, I’m not gonna lie, I’m continuing to write this at damn near 5 AM. I’ve been up since 2:30ish for no fucking reason, and I don’t feel like getting deeper into this. I am so sorry lmaoooo.

The gist of it is that I gotta give that up to gain inner peace or some shit. Whatever.

I’m still not trying to spoil anything, but basically, Edward realized he’s just a human and that’s all he should be. I gotta realize that for myself that I’m just a human. I can’t do everything, and I can’t control anything but myself. My bad, I know this seems rushed and lazy writing, but I am rushing, and I am feeling lazy. At least I'm honest about it 🤷🏾‍♀️ remember that when I decide to Dazai. I am not referring to the anime character…well, not right now. Idk, I’m not caught up. 

The moral of this post is watch FullMetal Alchemist: Brotherhood!

I’m not gonna promise that the next post will be better because I don’t like to lie, and y’all not gonna whoop me, so keep those expectations low 🤠

Anyway, are y’all enjoying the new theme? Let me know! Now, I’m gonna try to go to sleep.

Good night, or good morning, or good- idk leave me alone!